know it all

Den Augenblick immer als den höchsten Brennpunkt der Existenz, auf den die ganze Vergangenheit nur vorbereitete, ansehen und genießen, das würde Leben heißen!
Friedrich Hebbel

dreamzzz

Ok, just in advance: everyone appearing in the scene is a real person (probably the unfriendly russian nurse as well. Unfortunately I can´t judge, as I don´t know her), but I won´t name them. I guess, nobody want to know it. =)
So, I DREAMED again.
First I was pregnant. (Jesus!) Then I was back in the dormitory, where I lived during my semester abroad in Moscow, but there haven´t been eight (nine?) floors, there was only one; but yes, still, as many rooms as there are in reality. I was in my room (pretty different from the real one) and the two of you* came to visit me. They´ve had their boy coming with them, from Germany.
I went in your* room, you were sitting on your bed. You had already known, that I was pregnant, but we had not seen each other since then. You looked sad and I asked you, what was going on, what´s wrong. You looked at me for two seconds, didn´t move and said: Do you know, where the remote control is?
I moved out of the room and came back to mine, where I was suddenly so happy to see my little boy, that I took him in my arms. In that moment I felt the baby dying.
We all went to the hospital, but in front of the building a russian nurse stopped us. My russian was perfect (Jesus, that was a positive thing!!), so I told her, that I was probably carrying a dead baby in my body. She said, the doctors wouldn´t care, I should go.
I told her a name of a russian family (I can´t remember it, but probably it was Abramovitch or Putin) and she said: Well, ok, perfect, come in!

(If my baby was really dead, I don´t know. If I ever huged a little boy again, I don´t know.)

I´m coming home for Christmas

I´m coming home for Christmas. Leaving everything behind is a good feeling, even if it was kind of sad leaving the girls and the flat. Family-feeling is a great thing though. The bags you bring home, you take inside the house, the sorrows you leave outside.
I like the finish Christmas tree, my Dad bought and I enjoy the house compared to the four-room appartment. I appreciate the silence and the wood. The river and the fields.

big moments 2

I´ve had about three hours of nothing. I left the flat and found myself getting on a tram, going around the city. I began to finish Hesses Siddharta, which I was planning to do for a very long time. So, I finished it. I got off the tram and walked. I walked and walked. It was already night, street lamps and christmas lights everywhere, few people. I walked to the river, there´s so often a wish to see the centre from the bridge, to look down to the river, to look up to the castle.
So I´m standing on the bridge, the cold wind tries to convince me to go home, but I don´t want to. People pass my way, as I´m standing on the bridge without moving. They look at me, they hurry to come home. I´ve my music, I´ve my thoughts and I´ve got this amazing, amazing view over this city, I live in. I stand there for about two hours. I walk and turn around, walk and turn around. Actually it´s really cold and I´ve problems with my headphones, but those moments changed the day.
Slowly I decide to go home to get some sleep. I meet some girls, yelling and laughing. If I could take a picture. Sure. You´re welcome.
And as I walk there I know, that those hours of nothing turned out to be the greatest since long.

sip - speaking in public

I was talking about corruption, one of my favourite subjects related to russian politics/economics/Russia whatever. But presentations might be strange. As soon as you imagine to separate from your body and stand beside you -I mean the you, that´s talking- that´s weird. It´s only possible, if you´re not nervous about standing in front of many people.
Yesterday, when I´ve still been working on the presentation, I was suddenly fed up with it. Some days before we talked to an italian friend of us, who complained about the fact, that she as an Erasmus-student has to do presentations in most of her classes, while studying in Germany. We told her, that it´s just common to have that kind of work to do, often related to the subject, about which you gonna write at the end of the semester. She was still angry.
I used to hold presentations already at school, but in my first semester I was angry too. I had to prepare 4 of them and I knew, that´s it´s more than just the ability to speak in front of 10-200 students for 45 minutes.
And now? I like it. I agree with you, that it sounds strange, but I really like it. I´m not more talented than others, but I guess, most of all my presentations in politics made me fearless. You can´t imagine, how aggressive those lazy-crazy-chilling politicians might be! I should admit, that there were cases, when I was talking during the after-the-presentation-we´ll-talk-about-your-topic-and-discuss-it-about-another-hour about things, of which I didn´t know anything at all. And then the girl -being responsible for the other 45min- asking me afterwards: "Ähm, sorry, Susi, I really appreciate, that you answered all the questions, that they were asking about my topic, ´cause I haven´t read the concerning literature." - "Oh, I haven´t read it either."
When you´re once in the position, that -during your speech- you imagine to be apart from your body, let´s say your soul and standing besides you, the speaking body and looking at it, that´s fun. But be aware to not laugh about that imagination! Then, congratulations, you´ve reached the level of not-being-afraid-of-anything-about-speaking-in-public!

hätte man das mal vorher gewusst.

Manchmal weiß ich nicht, was ich sagen soll. Das liegt dann weniger daran, dass mir absolut nichts einfiele, sondern dass mir viel zu viel im Kopf herumschwirrt. Und das Schwierigste: schwarz und weiß, nett und kritisch, laut und leise. Und für was entscheidet man sich in solchen Situationen am besten? Man würde ja nicht nachdenken, wenn es nicht wichtig wäre. Oft versagt mir dann die Stimme und ich brauche erstmal kurz Zeit, um meine Gedanken zu ordnen. Aber wie oft ich dann im Endeffekt doch das Falsche sage, und dies erst merke, wenn es laut im Raum steht!!! Wenn ich das von vornherein wüsste, könnte ich mir das Nachdenken auch sparen; denke ich dann oft.

skype

Wir sprechen über die Zukunft, die nahe und die ferne. Und wir kommen auf Entfernungen zu sprechen und wie man diese auch in der Zukunft meistern kann:
...
[10:16:30] St.: aber ich kann das natürlich nicht alles allein entscheiden, ich hab ja auch Anhang
[10:16:40] Su.: die übersetzungspläne ital-dt sind erstmal auf eis gelegt?
[10:16:50] Su.: ja, verstehe, klare sache
[10:17:06] Su.: aber du bleibst in dtl?
[10:17:18] St.: meine Sarah hat mir irgendwann gesagt, dasses das Buch scho gibt, seitdem hab ich kein Bock mehr ;(
[10:17:33] Su.: ooh, shit
[10:18:04] St.: ich habe vor, erst mal in D zu bleiben, aber je nachdem was die Sarah macht, und welche Möglichkeiten sie haben wird, hiern Job zu finden, müssen wir mal sehen
[10:18:20] St.: kann sein, dass ich dann evtl. leichter in Italien was find, als sie hier, keine Ahnung
[10:18:46] Su.: hm, stimmt. muss man sehen...
[10:19:00] St.: jepp
...
Und nun? Ich bin ein wenig traurig.

thinking. but not want to think.

I´ve dreamed strange things again; but this time it was quite realistic as it was an episode, which happened some months ago. It doesn´t happen very often to me, that I dream anything, that has actually already happened to me. That´s why I mention it.
Do you sleep well these days, my dear life? I don´t. I mean, nothing really changed. I don´t sleep well for months now. That´s a situation I could never imagine before. I´ve known several friends, who had difficulties in sleeping/ falling asleep. But I´ve never had those problems.
Now I´m tired very often, but when I´m in bed, I can´t sleep. For no reason. It´s warm, quiet and I´m not afraid of anyone to come in our appartment... I guess, it´s like this, ´cause my brain can´t stop thinking. I agree, that it sounds pretty dramatic and stupid, but that´s the only reason I can imagine. Well, and there are many things to think about. :)

know it all

We don´t see things as they are.
We see them as we are.
Anais Nin.

neverending

I don´t like neverending stories. I think, it´s more comfortable like this, even if it´s not easy. It´s all about practicing and experience, maybe related to your age.
I don´t like neverending stories. Only those related to people.

singing.without words.

It´s definitely one of the best things I´ve ever done; I´m doing still, unfortunately only once a year. Singing is our passion. Maybe I´ve never talked about it, but singing has been the one and only for me for many years. If there was the question "skipping school or skipping an (very ordinary) rehearsal" I´ve skipped school. Once I had an appointment for a driving lesson (already arranged since long), but one day before our choir was engaged for a short gig at a christmas party for old people. I called the driving lesson off, even if I had to pay for it though.
Some years of the 10 years singing was the best thing I had. The most beautiful thing in life.
Now most of us are anywhere, but here. Munich - Fribourg - Stuttgart. Once Paris - Athen - Moscow. But still, at Christmas everybody´s back. I can´t describe it... and it´s only that one day a year, everybody comes together. But that day and everybody of us - we´re meant to be.
Today we´ve got that activity, I was talking about in the beginning. The best thing I´ve ever done: singing in a hospital. I know, that if I slept the last nights, I´d have dreamed about it. I´m happy, when thinking of it. Only thinking of singing with those amazing girls makes me shivering.

sth related to sth that´s called future

We´d be the perfect team. What do I say?... We ARE the perfect team. And I´m sure we´d find the perfect idea. It´s about an OWN created social project to be realized by US, being (financially) supported by some important institutions. Moreover: six to twelve months. Aaaaaand: in....R-U-S-S-I-A!!!
US, that means HER having heard about the project, havin´some important relations here and in Moscow, HER speaking russian fluently and ME, well... havin´economics as a minor (?)... or just fulfilling the team ;-)
It´s a vision. It´d be a dream. And over all it would be a future. It would mean, that after june two of us don´t stand in the rain. And, i´ve to admit, it would be definitely better than hanging around here... (ok, well, that´s not really an alternative, at least not to me)
SO? Sit-in next week, our place.

to do, to let it be

Irgendwie ist es gar nicht so spät wie gedacht. Zeit muss man sich nur nehmen. Was hilft es schon, seinen ToDo-Listen immer hinterherzujagen? Es ist doch grundsätzlich so, dass man das, was auf ihnen steht und für den entsprechenden Tag neongelb markiert ist ohnehin nie schafft. Ich jedenfalls bin so weit, dass ich mich von zehn zu erledigenden Punkten am Abend über vier in Wahrheit erledigte freue. Wie ein Keks! Das ist ein seltsames Phänomen. Denn ich weiß ja ohnehin in dem Moment, in dem ich die Liste durchgehe und markiere, dass es mir unmöglich sein wird, alles zu schaffen. Auch wenn es sich beispielsweise nur um einkaufen, zur Post gehen, zum Copyshop gehen, die WG putzen, den und den anrufen, 5 Marketing-kapitel lesen, einen 3-Seitenbericht schreiben, 3 Stunden arbeiten, im Onlinekatalog nach Literatur fürs nächste Referat zu suchen und Unterlagen für den und den heraussuchen. Das wäre alles gut machbar. Auch mit ein, zwei Vorlesungen am Tag noch.
Bei mir ist es -wenn ich mal ehrlich bin- folgendermaßen: ToDo-Listen abhacken macht mich glücklich. Kein Witz. Richtig richtig glücklich. Wenn ich eine 30-Dinge-Liste habe und nur eine Sache wegstreiche könnte ich tanzen! So gehe ich nach jedem Wegstreichen auch erstmal einer anderen Sache nach: Kühlschrank, duschen, spülen, telefonieren. Außer ich bin im Rausch. An einem Rauschtag komme ich auf maximal 70% abgehackte Punkte. Und ihr könnt euch nicht vorstellen, was das für mich bedeutet: ein wahres Freudenfest!
...und die vollkommene Apathie für die nächsten drei, vier Tage.