Den Augenblick immer als den höchsten Brennpunkt der Existenz, auf den die ganze Vergangenheit nur vorbereitete, ansehen und genießen, das würde Leben heißen!
Friedrich Hebbel
Friedrich Hebbel
Donnerstag, 25. Dezember 2008
Mittwoch, 24. Dezember 2008
dreamzzz
Ok, just in advance: everyone appearing in the scene is a real person (probably the unfriendly russian nurse as well. Unfortunately I can´t judge, as I don´t know her), but I won´t name them. I guess, nobody want to know it. =)
So, I DREAMED again.
First I was pregnant. (Jesus!) Then I was back in the dormitory, where I lived during my semester abroad in Moscow, but there haven´t been eight (nine?) floors, there was only one; but yes, still, as many rooms as there are in reality. I was in my room (pretty different from the real one) and the two of you* came to visit me. They´ve had their boy coming with them, from Germany.
I went in your* room, you were sitting on your bed. You had already known, that I was pregnant, but we had not seen each other since then. You looked sad and I asked you, what was going on, what´s wrong. You looked at me for two seconds, didn´t move and said: Do you know, where the remote control is?
I moved out of the room and came back to mine, where I was suddenly so happy to see my little boy, that I took him in my arms. In that moment I felt the baby dying.
We all went to the hospital, but in front of the building a russian nurse stopped us. My russian was perfect (Jesus, that was a positive thing!!), so I told her, that I was probably carrying a dead baby in my body. She said, the doctors wouldn´t care, I should go.
I told her a name of a russian family (I can´t remember it, but probably it was Abramovitch or Putin) and she said: Well, ok, perfect, come in!
(If my baby was really dead, I don´t know. If I ever huged a little boy again, I don´t know.)
So, I DREAMED again.
First I was pregnant. (Jesus!) Then I was back in the dormitory, where I lived during my semester abroad in Moscow, but there haven´t been eight (nine?) floors, there was only one; but yes, still, as many rooms as there are in reality. I was in my room (pretty different from the real one) and the two of you* came to visit me. They´ve had their boy coming with them, from Germany.
I went in your* room, you were sitting on your bed. You had already known, that I was pregnant, but we had not seen each other since then. You looked sad and I asked you, what was going on, what´s wrong. You looked at me for two seconds, didn´t move and said: Do you know, where the remote control is?
I moved out of the room and came back to mine, where I was suddenly so happy to see my little boy, that I took him in my arms. In that moment I felt the baby dying.
We all went to the hospital, but in front of the building a russian nurse stopped us. My russian was perfect (Jesus, that was a positive thing!!), so I told her, that I was probably carrying a dead baby in my body. She said, the doctors wouldn´t care, I should go.
I told her a name of a russian family (I can´t remember it, but probably it was Abramovitch or Putin) and she said: Well, ok, perfect, come in!
(If my baby was really dead, I don´t know. If I ever huged a little boy again, I don´t know.)
Montag, 22. Dezember 2008
I´m coming home for Christmas
I´m coming home for Christmas. Leaving everything behind is a good feeling, even if it was kind of sad leaving the girls and the flat. Family-feeling is a great thing though. The bags you bring home, you take inside the house, the sorrows you leave outside.
I like the finish Christmas tree, my Dad bought and I enjoy the house compared to the four-room appartment. I appreciate the silence and the wood. The river and the fields.
I like the finish Christmas tree, my Dad bought and I enjoy the house compared to the four-room appartment. I appreciate the silence and the wood. The river and the fields.
Sonntag, 21. Dezember 2008
big moments 2
I´ve had about three hours of nothing. I left the flat and found myself getting on a tram, going around the city. I began to finish Hesses Siddharta, which I was planning to do for a very long time. So, I finished it. I got off the tram and walked. I walked and walked. It was already night, street lamps and christmas lights everywhere, few people. I walked to the river, there´s so often a wish to see the centre from the bridge, to look down to the river, to look up to the castle.
So I´m standing on the bridge, the cold wind tries to convince me to go home, but I don´t want to. People pass my way, as I´m standing on the bridge without moving. They look at me, they hurry to come home. I´ve my music, I´ve my thoughts and I´ve got this amazing, amazing view over this city, I live in. I stand there for about two hours. I walk and turn around, walk and turn around. Actually it´s really cold and I´ve problems with my headphones, but those moments changed the day.
Slowly I decide to go home to get some sleep. I meet some girls, yelling and laughing. If I could take a picture. Sure. You´re welcome.
And as I walk there I know, that those hours of nothing turned out to be the greatest since long.
So I´m standing on the bridge, the cold wind tries to convince me to go home, but I don´t want to. People pass my way, as I´m standing on the bridge without moving. They look at me, they hurry to come home. I´ve my music, I´ve my thoughts and I´ve got this amazing, amazing view over this city, I live in. I stand there for about two hours. I walk and turn around, walk and turn around. Actually it´s really cold and I´ve problems with my headphones, but those moments changed the day.
Slowly I decide to go home to get some sleep. I meet some girls, yelling and laughing. If I could take a picture. Sure. You´re welcome.
And as I walk there I know, that those hours of nothing turned out to be the greatest since long.
Samstag, 13. Dezember 2008
sip - speaking in public
I was talking about corruption, one of my favourite subjects related to russian politics/economics/Russia whatever. But presentations might be strange. As soon as you imagine to separate from your body and stand beside you -I mean the you, that´s talking- that´s weird. It´s only possible, if you´re not nervous about standing in front of many people.
Yesterday, when I´ve still been working on the presentation, I was suddenly fed up with it. Some days before we talked to an italian friend of us, who complained about the fact, that she as an Erasmus-student has to do presentations in most of her classes, while studying in Germany. We told her, that it´s just common to have that kind of work to do, often related to the subject, about which you gonna write at the end of the semester. She was still angry.
I used to hold presentations already at school, but in my first semester I was angry too. I had to prepare 4 of them and I knew, that´s it´s more than just the ability to speak in front of 10-200 students for 45 minutes.
And now? I like it. I agree with you, that it sounds strange, but I really like it. I´m not more talented than others, but I guess, most of all my presentations in politics made me fearless. You can´t imagine, how aggressive those lazy-crazy-chilling politicians might be! I should admit, that there were cases, when I was talking during the after-the-presentation-we´ll-talk-about-your-topic-and-discuss-it-about-another-hour about things, of which I didn´t know anything at all. And then the girl -being responsible for the other 45min- asking me afterwards: "Ähm, sorry, Susi, I really appreciate, that you answered all the questions, that they were asking about my topic, ´cause I haven´t read the concerning literature." - "Oh, I haven´t read it either."
When you´re once in the position, that -during your speech- you imagine to be apart from your body, let´s say your soul and standing besides you, the speaking body and looking at it, that´s fun. But be aware to not laugh about that imagination! Then, congratulations, you´ve reached the level of not-being-afraid-of-anything-about-speaking-in-public!
Yesterday, when I´ve still been working on the presentation, I was suddenly fed up with it. Some days before we talked to an italian friend of us, who complained about the fact, that she as an Erasmus-student has to do presentations in most of her classes, while studying in Germany. We told her, that it´s just common to have that kind of work to do, often related to the subject, about which you gonna write at the end of the semester. She was still angry.
I used to hold presentations already at school, but in my first semester I was angry too. I had to prepare 4 of them and I knew, that´s it´s more than just the ability to speak in front of 10-200 students for 45 minutes.
And now? I like it. I agree with you, that it sounds strange, but I really like it. I´m not more talented than others, but I guess, most of all my presentations in politics made me fearless. You can´t imagine, how aggressive those lazy-crazy-chilling politicians might be! I should admit, that there were cases, when I was talking during the after-the-presentation-we´ll-talk-about-your-topic-and-discuss-it-about-another-hour about things, of which I didn´t know anything at all. And then the girl -being responsible for the other 45min- asking me afterwards: "Ähm, sorry, Susi, I really appreciate, that you answered all the questions, that they were asking about my topic, ´cause I haven´t read the concerning literature." - "Oh, I haven´t read it either."
When you´re once in the position, that -during your speech- you imagine to be apart from your body, let´s say your soul and standing besides you, the speaking body and looking at it, that´s fun. But be aware to not laugh about that imagination! Then, congratulations, you´ve reached the level of not-being-afraid-of-anything-about-speaking-in-public!
hätte man das mal vorher gewusst.
Manchmal weiß ich nicht, was ich sagen soll. Das liegt dann weniger daran, dass mir absolut nichts einfiele, sondern dass mir viel zu viel im Kopf herumschwirrt. Und das Schwierigste: schwarz und weiß, nett und kritisch, laut und leise. Und für was entscheidet man sich in solchen Situationen am besten? Man würde ja nicht nachdenken, wenn es nicht wichtig wäre. Oft versagt mir dann die Stimme und ich brauche erstmal kurz Zeit, um meine Gedanken zu ordnen. Aber wie oft ich dann im Endeffekt doch das Falsche sage, und dies erst merke, wenn es laut im Raum steht!!! Wenn ich das von vornherein wüsste, könnte ich mir das Nachdenken auch sparen; denke ich dann oft.
Freitag, 12. Dezember 2008
skype
Wir sprechen über die Zukunft, die nahe und die ferne. Und wir kommen auf Entfernungen zu sprechen und wie man diese auch in der Zukunft meistern kann:
...
[10:16:30] St.: aber ich kann das natürlich nicht alles allein entscheiden, ich hab ja auch Anhang
[10:16:40] Su.: die übersetzungspläne ital-dt sind erstmal auf eis gelegt?
[10:16:50] Su.: ja, verstehe, klare sache
[10:17:06] Su.: aber du bleibst in dtl?
[10:17:18] St.: meine Sarah hat mir irgendwann gesagt, dasses das Buch scho gibt, seitdem hab ich kein Bock mehr ;(
[10:17:33] Su.: ooh, shit
[10:18:04] St.: ich habe vor, erst mal in D zu bleiben, aber je nachdem was die Sarah macht, und welche Möglichkeiten sie haben wird, hiern Job zu finden, müssen wir mal sehen
[10:18:20] St.: kann sein, dass ich dann evtl. leichter in Italien was find, als sie hier, keine Ahnung
[10:18:46] Su.: hm, stimmt. muss man sehen...
[10:19:00] St.: jepp
...
Und nun? Ich bin ein wenig traurig.
...
[10:16:30] St.: aber ich kann das natürlich nicht alles allein entscheiden, ich hab ja auch Anhang
[10:16:40] Su.: die übersetzungspläne ital-dt sind erstmal auf eis gelegt?
[10:16:50] Su.: ja, verstehe, klare sache
[10:17:06] Su.: aber du bleibst in dtl?
[10:17:18] St.: meine Sarah hat mir irgendwann gesagt, dasses das Buch scho gibt, seitdem hab ich kein Bock mehr ;(
[10:17:33] Su.: ooh, shit
[10:18:04] St.: ich habe vor, erst mal in D zu bleiben, aber je nachdem was die Sarah macht, und welche Möglichkeiten sie haben wird, hiern Job zu finden, müssen wir mal sehen
[10:18:20] St.: kann sein, dass ich dann evtl. leichter in Italien was find, als sie hier, keine Ahnung
[10:18:46] Su.: hm, stimmt. muss man sehen...
[10:19:00] St.: jepp
...
Und nun? Ich bin ein wenig traurig.
Mittwoch, 10. Dezember 2008
thinking. but not want to think.
I´ve dreamed strange things again; but this time it was quite realistic as it was an episode, which happened some months ago. It doesn´t happen very often to me, that I dream anything, that has actually already happened to me. That´s why I mention it.
Do you sleep well these days, my dear life? I don´t. I mean, nothing really changed. I don´t sleep well for months now. That´s a situation I could never imagine before. I´ve known several friends, who had difficulties in sleeping/ falling asleep. But I´ve never had those problems.
Now I´m tired very often, but when I´m in bed, I can´t sleep. For no reason. It´s warm, quiet and I´m not afraid of anyone to come in our appartment... I guess, it´s like this, ´cause my brain can´t stop thinking. I agree, that it sounds pretty dramatic and stupid, but that´s the only reason I can imagine. Well, and there are many things to think about. :)
Do you sleep well these days, my dear life? I don´t. I mean, nothing really changed. I don´t sleep well for months now. That´s a situation I could never imagine before. I´ve known several friends, who had difficulties in sleeping/ falling asleep. But I´ve never had those problems.
Now I´m tired very often, but when I´m in bed, I can´t sleep. For no reason. It´s warm, quiet and I´m not afraid of anyone to come in our appartment... I guess, it´s like this, ´cause my brain can´t stop thinking. I agree, that it sounds pretty dramatic and stupid, but that´s the only reason I can imagine. Well, and there are many things to think about. :)
Dienstag, 9. Dezember 2008
neverending
I don´t like neverending stories. I think, it´s more comfortable like this, even if it´s not easy. It´s all about practicing and experience, maybe related to your age.
I don´t like neverending stories. Only those related to people.
I don´t like neverending stories. Only those related to people.
Freitag, 5. Dezember 2008
singing.without words.
It´s definitely one of the best things I´ve ever done; I´m doing still, unfortunately only once a year. Singing is our passion. Maybe I´ve never talked about it, but singing has been the one and only for me for many years. If there was the question "skipping school or skipping an (very ordinary) rehearsal" I´ve skipped school. Once I had an appointment for a driving lesson (already arranged since long), but one day before our choir was engaged for a short gig at a christmas party for old people. I called the driving lesson off, even if I had to pay for it though.
Some years of the 10 years singing was the best thing I had. The most beautiful thing in life.
Now most of us are anywhere, but here. Munich - Fribourg - Stuttgart. Once Paris - Athen - Moscow. But still, at Christmas everybody´s back. I can´t describe it... and it´s only that one day a year, everybody comes together. But that day and everybody of us - we´re meant to be.
Today we´ve got that activity, I was talking about in the beginning. The best thing I´ve ever done: singing in a hospital. I know, that if I slept the last nights, I´d have dreamed about it. I´m happy, when thinking of it. Only thinking of singing with those amazing girls makes me shivering.
Some years of the 10 years singing was the best thing I had. The most beautiful thing in life.
Now most of us are anywhere, but here. Munich - Fribourg - Stuttgart. Once Paris - Athen - Moscow. But still, at Christmas everybody´s back. I can´t describe it... and it´s only that one day a year, everybody comes together. But that day and everybody of us - we´re meant to be.
Today we´ve got that activity, I was talking about in the beginning. The best thing I´ve ever done: singing in a hospital. I know, that if I slept the last nights, I´d have dreamed about it. I´m happy, when thinking of it. Only thinking of singing with those amazing girls makes me shivering.
Donnerstag, 4. Dezember 2008
sth related to sth that´s called future
We´d be the perfect team. What do I say?... We ARE the perfect team. And I´m sure we´d find the perfect idea. It´s about an OWN created social project to be realized by US, being (financially) supported by some important institutions. Moreover: six to twelve months. Aaaaaand: in....R-U-S-S-I-A!!!
US, that means HER having heard about the project, havin´some important relations here and in Moscow, HER speaking russian fluently and ME, well... havin´economics as a minor (?)... or just fulfilling the team ;-)
It´s a vision. It´d be a dream. And over all it would be a future. It would mean, that after june two of us don´t stand in the rain. And, i´ve to admit, it would be definitely better than hanging around here... (ok, well, that´s not really an alternative, at least not to me)
SO? Sit-in next week, our place.
US, that means HER having heard about the project, havin´some important relations here and in Moscow, HER speaking russian fluently and ME, well... havin´economics as a minor (?)... or just fulfilling the team ;-)
It´s a vision. It´d be a dream. And over all it would be a future. It would mean, that after june two of us don´t stand in the rain. And, i´ve to admit, it would be definitely better than hanging around here... (ok, well, that´s not really an alternative, at least not to me)
SO? Sit-in next week, our place.
Dienstag, 2. Dezember 2008
to do, to let it be
Irgendwie ist es gar nicht so spät wie gedacht. Zeit muss man sich nur nehmen. Was hilft es schon, seinen ToDo-Listen immer hinterherzujagen? Es ist doch grundsätzlich so, dass man das, was auf ihnen steht und für den entsprechenden Tag neongelb markiert ist ohnehin nie schafft. Ich jedenfalls bin so weit, dass ich mich von zehn zu erledigenden Punkten am Abend über vier in Wahrheit erledigte freue. Wie ein Keks! Das ist ein seltsames Phänomen. Denn ich weiß ja ohnehin in dem Moment, in dem ich die Liste durchgehe und markiere, dass es mir unmöglich sein wird, alles zu schaffen. Auch wenn es sich beispielsweise nur um einkaufen, zur Post gehen, zum Copyshop gehen, die WG putzen, den und den anrufen, 5 Marketing-kapitel lesen, einen 3-Seitenbericht schreiben, 3 Stunden arbeiten, im Onlinekatalog nach Literatur fürs nächste Referat zu suchen und Unterlagen für den und den heraussuchen. Das wäre alles gut machbar. Auch mit ein, zwei Vorlesungen am Tag noch.
Bei mir ist es -wenn ich mal ehrlich bin- folgendermaßen: ToDo-Listen abhacken macht mich glücklich. Kein Witz. Richtig richtig glücklich. Wenn ich eine 30-Dinge-Liste habe und nur eine Sache wegstreiche könnte ich tanzen! So gehe ich nach jedem Wegstreichen auch erstmal einer anderen Sache nach: Kühlschrank, duschen, spülen, telefonieren. Außer ich bin im Rausch. An einem Rauschtag komme ich auf maximal 70% abgehackte Punkte. Und ihr könnt euch nicht vorstellen, was das für mich bedeutet: ein wahres Freudenfest!
...und die vollkommene Apathie für die nächsten drei, vier Tage.
Bei mir ist es -wenn ich mal ehrlich bin- folgendermaßen: ToDo-Listen abhacken macht mich glücklich. Kein Witz. Richtig richtig glücklich. Wenn ich eine 30-Dinge-Liste habe und nur eine Sache wegstreiche könnte ich tanzen! So gehe ich nach jedem Wegstreichen auch erstmal einer anderen Sache nach: Kühlschrank, duschen, spülen, telefonieren. Außer ich bin im Rausch. An einem Rauschtag komme ich auf maximal 70% abgehackte Punkte. Und ihr könnt euch nicht vorstellen, was das für mich bedeutet: ein wahres Freudenfest!
...und die vollkommene Apathie für die nächsten drei, vier Tage.
Samstag, 29. November 2008
today
A weekend in november.
end of november,
I haven´t known, that there are countries in Europe,
where there´s school on saturday,
was surprised.
I didn´t know, that university is that different all over Europe.
I talked to her and she said:
three presentations in the next week,
two exams till Christmas,
eight exams -written and spoken- in january.
Then I recognized, that it was me.
The cake was burning,
before the coffee cooking... 15 minutes, the kitchen brown.
I went online, for no reason.
Haven´t talked to anyone for ages there,
except you.
Hell in the center,
Christmas is coming. Damn.
The report is not yet written, plans are not yet made.
But I know, if I don´t get it,
I´ll die here.
Got problems with plans.
It´s never nice, when plans won´t become real.
end of november,
I haven´t known, that there are countries in Europe,
where there´s school on saturday,
was surprised.
I didn´t know, that university is that different all over Europe.
I talked to her and she said:
three presentations in the next week,
two exams till Christmas,
eight exams -written and spoken- in january.
Then I recognized, that it was me.
The cake was burning,
before the coffee cooking... 15 minutes, the kitchen brown.
I went online, for no reason.
Haven´t talked to anyone for ages there,
except you.
Hell in the center,
Christmas is coming. Damn.
The report is not yet written, plans are not yet made.
But I know, if I don´t get it,
I´ll die here.
Got problems with plans.
It´s never nice, when plans won´t become real.
Montag, 24. November 2008
crossing boarders
It´s not, that I´d love talking about it. BUT it´s worth a posting anyway ;)
Well, there´s one friend, an old friend from school. She went to live in Guatemala for a year, came back and had left her boyfriend there. More than two years they´ve had a relationship, two months ago he has come to LIVE here, in Germany, another country, another continent!
Another friend studies in Mexico since september. She´s a cute one, sympathic by first look and very openminded as well. But so far it has never worked out with the guys. Before going to Moscow we´ve had this kinda saying: "Well, maybe we´ll die all alone, ´cause we´re just too demanding." She has got a spanish boyfriend now.
There´s a friend of my flatmate, flying every month to his girlfriend in Madrid. Another friend of mine came back from Barcelona, having a relationship with a guy from southamerica. An italian girl, a friend of mine got to know in university here is staying one year in Germany, she´s got her man in Italy. She and he survived half a year without seeing each other (Mexico-Germany), and they (Spain-Germany) will as well. She is austrian living in Austria, he´s german, living in Germany.
And finally one of my most liked stories: she -canadian- fell in love with a guy from Suisse; she thought, it could never work, Suisse - Canada. They got separated. Now she´s happy with a french guy, living in France.
This is not the end of the list. I actually noticed, that from my friends being in a relationship, the majority has a long distance (and I´m not talking about Germany-Germany) and furthermore, that I don´t know anyone at the moment, who lives in the same town as his/her partner.
That made me think of globalization and stuff.
I guess, it´s a chance. And it´s part of a world, I appreciate to live in.
Well, there´s one friend, an old friend from school. She went to live in Guatemala for a year, came back and had left her boyfriend there. More than two years they´ve had a relationship, two months ago he has come to LIVE here, in Germany, another country, another continent!
Another friend studies in Mexico since september. She´s a cute one, sympathic by first look and very openminded as well. But so far it has never worked out with the guys. Before going to Moscow we´ve had this kinda saying: "Well, maybe we´ll die all alone, ´cause we´re just too demanding." She has got a spanish boyfriend now.
There´s a friend of my flatmate, flying every month to his girlfriend in Madrid. Another friend of mine came back from Barcelona, having a relationship with a guy from southamerica. An italian girl, a friend of mine got to know in university here is staying one year in Germany, she´s got her man in Italy. She and he survived half a year without seeing each other (Mexico-Germany), and they (Spain-Germany) will as well. She is austrian living in Austria, he´s german, living in Germany.
And finally one of my most liked stories: she -canadian- fell in love with a guy from Suisse; she thought, it could never work, Suisse - Canada. They got separated. Now she´s happy with a french guy, living in France.
This is not the end of the list. I actually noticed, that from my friends being in a relationship, the majority has a long distance (and I´m not talking about Germany-Germany) and furthermore, that I don´t know anyone at the moment, who lives in the same town as his/her partner.
That made me think of globalization and stuff.
I guess, it´s a chance. And it´s part of a world, I appreciate to live in.
Sonntag, 23. November 2008
Glück
Was immer Du denkst
Wohin ich führe
Wohin es führt
Vielleicht nur hinters Licht
Du bist ein Geschenk
Seit ich Dich kenne
Seit ich Dich kenne
Trag ich Glück im Blick
Ich kläre den Nebel, ändere so schnell ich kann
Und was sich nicht ändert, an dem bin ich noch dran
Kleb an den Sternen, bis einer dann fällt
Der mir die Brust aufreißt
Ich zöger nicht lang, ich setze die Segel
Pack den Mond für Dich ein
Zerschneide die Kabel
Will allein mit Dir sein
Und wenn Du nichts für mich tust
Dann tust Du es gut
Was immer Du denkst
Wohin ich führe
Wohin es führt
Vielleicht nur hinters Licht
Du bist ein Geschenk
Seit ich Dich kenne
Seit ich Dich kenne
Trag ich Glück im Blick
Du hast mich verwickelt in ein seidenes Netz
Das Leben ist gerissen, aber nicht jetzt
Es kriegt endlich Flügel, fliegt auf und davon
Es sind Deine Augen, so blau und so fromm
Und Du lachst und Du strahlst
Setzt den Schalk ins Genick
Schenkst mir Freundentränen
Und nimmst keine zurück
und Du tust mir nichts
Und das tust Du gut
Was immer Du denkst
Wohin ich führe
Wohin es führt
Vielleicht nur hinters Licht
Du bist das Geschenk aller Geschenke
Aller Geschenke
Ich trag Glück im Blick
Und wird Dein Kopf Dir irgendwann zu eng und trübe
Und Du willst, das der Regen sich verdrückt
Färbe ich sie ein, Deine schrägen Schübe
Du bist alles in allem, das bist Du nicht
Und Du lachst und Du strahlst
Setzt den Schalk ins Genick
Schenkst mir Freundentränen
Und nimmst keine zurück
und Du tust mir nichts
Und das tust Du gut
Und ist Dein Kopf Dir irgendwann zu eng und trübe
Versuch ich das der Regen sich verdrückt
Du bist das Geschenk aller Geschenke
Seit ich Dich kenne
Trag ich Glück im Blick
Du bist das Geschenk aller Geschenke
Seit ich Dich kenne
Trag ich Glück im Blick
H.G. - einer, der es weiß.
Versuch ich das der Regen sich verdrückt
Du bist das Geschenk aller Geschenke
Seit ich Dich kenne
Trag ich Glück im Blick
Du bist das Geschenk aller Geschenke
Seit ich Dich kenne
Trag ich Glück im Blick
H.G. - einer, der es weiß.
Samstag, 22. November 2008
"Your death is near"
I got a mail concerning "Your death is near".
Actually it´s true. I mean, it depends obviously on the definition of "near". When I think of it... well, actually I´ve never thought of it. But I´m sure about not having the expectation of living in 2080. And I´m not sure if I´d like to live in 2080. Don´t get me wrong, I don´t wanna die tomorrow or during the next 5 years. I guess, I just want to be sure to have lived before I die. I think, I wouldn´t care to die being 48, if I could say: Yeah, you got it, you´ve lived!
If you like common sayings:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take,
but by the number of moments, that take your breath away.
I should admit, that I don´t like this saying. But its basis is correct, its meaning is true.
Probably I´m too young to say more about my death. But living is the one thing, to be sure about not living any more one day another thing.
So, life, hold on, enjoy yourself, make me laugh and cry, love and hate! And: Thanks in advance!
Actually it´s true. I mean, it depends obviously on the definition of "near". When I think of it... well, actually I´ve never thought of it. But I´m sure about not having the expectation of living in 2080. And I´m not sure if I´d like to live in 2080. Don´t get me wrong, I don´t wanna die tomorrow or during the next 5 years. I guess, I just want to be sure to have lived before I die. I think, I wouldn´t care to die being 48, if I could say: Yeah, you got it, you´ve lived!
If you like common sayings:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take,
but by the number of moments, that take your breath away.
I should admit, that I don´t like this saying. But its basis is correct, its meaning is true.
Probably I´m too young to say more about my death. But living is the one thing, to be sure about not living any more one day another thing.
So, life, hold on, enjoy yourself, make me laugh and cry, love and hate! And: Thanks in advance!
Mittwoch, 19. November 2008
existence - life
A friend of mine said the following to me, some days ago: At the moment I don´t live, I just exist! I´ve thought of its meaning. Do you "only exist", when you work day by day, and every night? When you study and see no end? Don´t you live, when you know you´re ill and all you´re waiting for is the operation, that will decide on your life? Or is existence a synonym for "life without waiting"? Does it mean, we don´t think of tomorrow or that we DO think of the future every day? Can´t you live, when you love someone, who doesn´t care about you? Or even doesn´t know, that you exist (and yeah, only exist)?
I´ve never said, I´d exist. To me it´s a strange expression. An argument doesn´t exist, a nice restaurant in a city doesn´t exist and an internet connection does exist or doesn´t. But life? I guess, just the word LIFE is a much bigger thing. That´s probably, why my friend said, she wouldn´t live. Existence is an uninspiring word, like a vegetable.
My answer was very simple: "Existence" and "life" don´t fit together for me. Existence is probably a thing without feeling, without emotion, without pain, fun and discussion. A silent, shy and crippling situation. So I hope you gonna make it going through without thinking.
I´ve never said, I´d exist. To me it´s a strange expression. An argument doesn´t exist, a nice restaurant in a city doesn´t exist and an internet connection does exist or doesn´t. But life? I guess, just the word LIFE is a much bigger thing. That´s probably, why my friend said, she wouldn´t live. Existence is an uninspiring word, like a vegetable.
My answer was very simple: "Existence" and "life" don´t fit together for me. Existence is probably a thing without feeling, without emotion, without pain, fun and discussion. A silent, shy and crippling situation. So I hope you gonna make it going through without thinking.
Montag, 17. November 2008
If you want to sing about me, come here and see, about whom you´re singing.
Ah, why the hell is everybody singing about me?
When Susanna cries, she cries a rainbow....
and now the russian guy as well.
Crying a rainbow is a way too far metapher to me and no, my dear russian unknown, I can´t change, that you can´t reach me.
When Susanna cries, she cries a rainbow....
and now the russian guy as well.
Crying a rainbow is a way too far metapher to me and no, my dear russian unknown, I can´t change, that you can´t reach me.
Freitag, 14. November 2008
Mittwoch, 12. November 2008
ahora lo sé
Hablemos de una cosa importante, cuando todavía estamos juntos en una ciudad. Yo te pregunté: Tenemos que estar agradecidos? O está más prudente maldecir? Tú dijiste: Maldecimos! Yo dijé, qué no fue segura... a lo mejor hay que decir Gracias.
Ahora te lo digo: Tú tenías razón! Totalmente.
Ahora te lo digo: Tú tenías razón! Totalmente.
Dienstag, 11. November 2008
TORT-thoughts over random things
If it´s possible to stop thinking, please tell me.
If it´s possible to stop thinking at night, please let me know.
If it´s possible to stop thinking, when you should just enjoy the moment, please say it.
If it´s possible to stop thinking at night, please let me know.
If it´s possible to stop thinking, when you should just enjoy the moment, please say it.
Montag, 10. November 2008
things, that has to be done. but then nobody cares.
We´ve just gone to apologize to our neighbours downstairs... as we haven´t felt well since friday. (because of their shoes being distributed on the stairs, their bikes being putted at another place and most of all, that they couldn´t sleep from 9pm till 7am) Yesterday and today we´ve been as quiet as possible, when entering the house, afraid, that anybody would pass our way.
...turned out, that nobody of the three students downstairs has spent the weekend here.
...turned out, that nobody of the three students downstairs has spent the weekend here.
Sonntag, 9. November 2008
verdammt.
Das ist so eine Sache mit dem Vermissen. Gott, ich vermisse auf gewisse Weise alles, was ich momentan nicht habe, aber kenne. So gibt es Dauer-fernweh wie Spanien, mittlerweile aber besser. Ja länger es vorbei ist, desto besser wird´s, jedenfalls hierbei. Moskau ist eine andere Sache. Ich bin zusammen, ständig, mit Menschen, denen Moskau fehlt und die zurückwollen. Das tut gut, denn reden tut gut. Aber im Endeffekt kommt man auch nicht los so... von vielen Dingen, von denen man sich längst hätte verabschieden müssen. Mit Moskau, ja, das wird noch lange dauern. Vielleicht will ich insgeheim mein Fernweh auch nicht überwinden. Immerhin werde ich zurückkehren, irgendwann. Und erst dann, wenn die Menschen fehlen, die Umstände und all das, was man so liebgewonnen hatte, dann wird es besser werden. Das Gefühl, das etwas fehlt. Richtig viel fehlt. Und bis dahin vermisse ich einfach weiter, Moskau als Stadt, die Menschen und das Glück, welches mir beschieden war. Ja, ich vermisse all dies sehr.
Samstag, 8. November 2008
purple hair
Everybody tells me, that the colour is cool/great/nice/pretty. Even people I don´t know. Yesterday more than five persons did so. It´s strange. I mean, I like it too, but I haven´t thought, it was that special.
It was just a spontaneous action, we went to the market, she gave me the colour, I said Yes and went straight in the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later I had purple hair.
It´s not purple anymore, but it´s different. So the mission is completed.
It was just a spontaneous action, we went to the market, she gave me the colour, I said Yes and went straight in the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later I had purple hair.
It´s not purple anymore, but it´s different. So the mission is completed.
Mittwoch, 5. November 2008
Talking ´bout politics
"Well done, America! =)" - a norwegian, living in America for a year.
"Yes, they could!" & "(party)" - a german in Israel.
"YES BARACK OBAMA!!! WE HAVE THE CHANGE!!! OBAMA." - an austrian in Norway.
"Yes, we can" - a german in Austria.
"Evviva evviva ha vinto Barack Obama" - an italian in Italy.
"Yes, they could!" & "(party)" - a german in Israel.
"YES BARACK OBAMA!!! WE HAVE THE CHANGE!!! OBAMA." - an austrian in Norway.
"Yes, we can" - a german in Austria.
"Evviva evviva ha vinto Barack Obama" - an italian in Italy.
"...is relieved, that Obama won" - a german in Germany.
Dear friends, as I see, we agree.
Dienstag, 4. November 2008
...
hm, oh yeah, well, these are the days. alone at night, enjoy the time. as you rock it, don´t make any effort. if not, see what happens. a stony way to go, by horse and bike. have a look, what happened, but never look back. everything worth it. cruel. worth it. although heavy, still confused.
Apples and worms
We talked about apples and worms. And worms in apples.
We talked about an american lady, who put her dog in a microwave and as it died, she took the maker of the microwave to court, ´cause he missed to write an "Attention! Don´t put your dog inside!". The lady won.
We talked about a boy giving a flower to a girl. And the girl giving him a kiss.
Believe it or not, although everyone was very confused after two hours, we went home with the knowledge, that we´ve learned a lot about marketing.
We talked about an american lady, who put her dog in a microwave and as it died, she took the maker of the microwave to court, ´cause he missed to write an "Attention! Don´t put your dog inside!". The lady won.
We talked about a boy giving a flower to a girl. And the girl giving him a kiss.
Believe it or not, although everyone was very confused after two hours, we went home with the knowledge, that we´ve learned a lot about marketing.
Montag, 3. November 2008
"Oh, you remember to not forget Mr. Pipes and his statements on russian society in the 18th century?"
This morning I wasn´t comfortable with my presentation so far. Moreover I wasn´t sure, if I had set the right focus. I was thinking about it and then I wrote a message to my teacher. Just to make sure. Three minutes later I got his response. He KINDA affirmed my focus, until he came up with the following:
"Oh, you remember to not forget Mr. Pipes and his statements on russian society in the 18th century?... Everything alright? Have fun!"
I knew Mr. Pipes before, but I didn´t know, that I was supposed to build the basis of my 45-60 min presentation out of his statement. (He is one of those teachers, who helps a lot to find literature and sources for presentations. Actually - as he knows exactly what he want to talk about afterwards - he gives us precisely books and articles, of which we´ve to talk about. Pipes hasn´t been there.) Wow. 39 hours left to write a new one.
I suddenly remembered, that I love challenges.
So I answered:
"Yeah, everything clear now! Thank you very much, CU on Wednesday!"
"Oh, you remember to not forget Mr. Pipes and his statements on russian society in the 18th century?... Everything alright? Have fun!"
I knew Mr. Pipes before, but I didn´t know, that I was supposed to build the basis of my 45-60 min presentation out of his statement. (He is one of those teachers, who helps a lot to find literature and sources for presentations. Actually - as he knows exactly what he want to talk about afterwards - he gives us precisely books and articles, of which we´ve to talk about. Pipes hasn´t been there.) Wow. 39 hours left to write a new one.
I suddenly remembered, that I love challenges.
So I answered:
"Yeah, everything clear now! Thank you very much, CU on Wednesday!"
Freitag, 31. Oktober 2008
Was zusammenpasst.
Es gibt Dinge, die einfach gut zusammen passen.
Das Interessante am Zusammenpassen ist doch, dass A und B nicht ähnlich, nicht verschieden, weder gleich hübsch noch gleich wertvoll sein müssen. Schließlich sind sie geschaffen, aufeinander abgestimmt zu sein.
Aber vielleicht passen viele Dinge auch einfach nur gut zusammen, weil sie -wenn sie es nicht täten- für andere gar nicht sichtbar wären. Das, was nicht zusammenpasst, nicht füreinander geschaffen ist, das versteckt sich vor dem Öffentlichen. Weil es verbreitet ist, dass man das weder sehen noch zeigen möchte.
Man könnte fast meinen, immer passt alles gut zueinander. Wenn man sich in einer sensiblen Phase befindet und eigentlich nur Zwistigkeiten und Schreihälse sehen möchte sowie Dinge, die zwanghaft zusammenfanden, dann passt alles perfekt, noch mehr als üblich. Der Döner passt zum Rastaman, die Musik zum Adventsmarkt, der Hiwi sieht im Hörsaal schnike aus und der Bus fährt, wenn man gerade eingestiegen ist. Alles klappt perfekt.
An solchen Tagen passt bei einem selbst meist gar nichts. Die olivfarbene Hose nicht zu den beigen Stiefeln, das vierstündige Seminar am Abend nicht zu den eigenen Plänen, das sich stapelnde Geschirr in der Küche nicht zur Laune.
Das Interessante am Zusammenpassen ist doch, dass A und B nicht ähnlich, nicht verschieden, weder gleich hübsch noch gleich wertvoll sein müssen. Schließlich sind sie geschaffen, aufeinander abgestimmt zu sein.
Aber vielleicht passen viele Dinge auch einfach nur gut zusammen, weil sie -wenn sie es nicht täten- für andere gar nicht sichtbar wären. Das, was nicht zusammenpasst, nicht füreinander geschaffen ist, das versteckt sich vor dem Öffentlichen. Weil es verbreitet ist, dass man das weder sehen noch zeigen möchte.
Man könnte fast meinen, immer passt alles gut zueinander. Wenn man sich in einer sensiblen Phase befindet und eigentlich nur Zwistigkeiten und Schreihälse sehen möchte sowie Dinge, die zwanghaft zusammenfanden, dann passt alles perfekt, noch mehr als üblich. Der Döner passt zum Rastaman, die Musik zum Adventsmarkt, der Hiwi sieht im Hörsaal schnike aus und der Bus fährt, wenn man gerade eingestiegen ist. Alles klappt perfekt.
An solchen Tagen passt bei einem selbst meist gar nichts. Die olivfarbene Hose nicht zu den beigen Stiefeln, das vierstündige Seminar am Abend nicht zu den eigenen Plänen, das sich stapelnde Geschirr in der Küche nicht zur Laune.
Dienstag, 28. Oktober 2008
random
I´m sitting here
in a boring room.
I´m wearing my highest high heels,
just to check if I´ll be able to wear them
for going out.
(I guess, I won´t find out, while sitting)
And then
I should study some russian
(WORDS, WORDS, WORDS),
and most of all verbs.
But who needs verbs?
In english I don´t mind learning
verbs.
But I definitely don´t want to learn
about the order of
verb, subject and object
in a sentence.
God, I´ve done that
in school.
I think,
I don´t care about english grammar.
Well, at least he says, I´ve a
californian accent.
But man, I was staying with a
german
family.
I´m chatting with a friend in Berlin.
Telling him,
that I´m not a human being
and
that my mission is to save the world.
It´s 22:57.
in a boring room.
I´m wearing my highest high heels,
just to check if I´ll be able to wear them
for going out.
(I guess, I won´t find out, while sitting)
And then
I should study some russian
(WORDS, WORDS, WORDS),
and most of all verbs.
But who needs verbs?
In english I don´t mind learning
verbs.
But I definitely don´t want to learn
about the order of
verb, subject and object
in a sentence.
God, I´ve done that
in school.
I think,
I don´t care about english grammar.
Well, at least he says, I´ve a
californian accent.
But man, I was staying with a
german
family.
I´m chatting with a friend in Berlin.
Telling him,
that I´m not a human being
and
that my mission is to save the world.
It´s 22:57.
Montag, 27. Oktober 2008
know.it.all
...And so I sent some men to fight,
and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy.
Said he looked just like me...
(J. B.)
Sonntag, 26. Oktober 2008
Never again
I try to explain to her*, that never again doesn´t mean at least not tomorrow. Never again is heavy, especially when you use it saying, you not gonna SPEAK ABOUT anything again. That´s why I answered: "Don´t make a promise, when you can´t keep it! Not because of me - I don´t mind. Because of you." I mean, I´m sure, NOBODY could start avoiding a thing, you keep on talking about or doing for several months. And not only regularly, but nearly every day. As far as "doing a thing" is concerned, I can´t speak about it, as I´ve never continued doing anything for a long period. Besides playing the violin and having singing lesson...
But well... she used to speak about it as a sport. So she won´t be able to stop with it out of a sudden.
And it´s maybe not important, if she redefines the period of never again. I just don´t like people saying big words - eminent-sounding -, when they´re about to say anything completely different the next day. Probably it´s all about loving drama or not.
*poor girl. but becoming realistic is a process. and believe me, i avoid to use the word realistic. but here it´s obviously important.
But well... she used to speak about it as a sport. So she won´t be able to stop with it out of a sudden.
And it´s maybe not important, if she redefines the period of never again. I just don´t like people saying big words - eminent-sounding -, when they´re about to say anything completely different the next day. Probably it´s all about loving drama or not.
*poor girl. but becoming realistic is a process. and believe me, i avoid to use the word realistic. but here it´s obviously important.
Freitag, 24. Oktober 2008
Über das Glück
Look at this, incredibly true. I´ve just found it on wikiquote.com, while looking for one true quote about "Happiness". This one made me think.
"Happiness in this world, when it comes, comes incidentally. Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it."
N. Hawthorne
"Happiness in this world, when it comes, comes incidentally. Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it."
N. Hawthorne
А что мне надо?
А что мне надо?
Да просто свет в оконце.
А что мне снится?
Что кончилась война.
Куда иду я?
Туда, где светит солнце.
Вот только, братцы,Добраться б дотемна…
Группа «Серьга»
Группа «Серьга»
sprachliche Verwirrung
Mich hat schon immer interessiert, ob man Sprachüberladen sein kann. Gibt es einen Punkt bzw. eine gewisse Anzahl an Sprachen und plötzlich ist Schluss? Einfach so, aus und vorbei? Gestern die erste Stunde der neuen Sprache. Neben mir eine Russin und ein Uruguayer/ Uruguayaner (?). Und während wir die ersten Brocken ins Hirn gehämmert bekommen, fange ich, als das entsprechende Wort fällt, plötzlich an zu denken. Heute also. Today. сегодня. und dann der break: ist hoy nun spanisch oder französisch? französisch, hmm....lange her. aujourd´hui - Genau! Aber was heißt eigentlich gestern auf spanisch? Ich hätte meinen Nachbarn fragen können, aber ab und zu ergreift selbst mich etwas, das sich Ehrgeiz nennt. Während Simona fröhlich weiter Vokabeln hämmert, überlege ich heute, morgen und gestern. Auf spanisch, englisch, französisch und russisch. Deutsch ok, Englisch ok. Russisch ja, da zuletzt regelmäßig verwendet. Da fällt mir eine Freundin ein, Französin, die in Spanien regelmäßig das Fluchen anfing, da sich spanisch und französisch einfach zu ähnlich seien. "ayer" - dann ein Blitz. Aber ist das nun spanisch oder französisch? Ach herrje. Ey, Scusa, liebe Dozentin, ich war abgelenkt.
Mittwoch, 22. Oktober 2008
come what may
...I bought our english book today...
You don´t know what an English word means (f.e. chart). What do you say?
a) What means chart?
b) What does chart mean?
c) Can I go now?
(I think, we often come to the point in life, where we´ve to ask WHERE AM I?)´
Yes, Susanne, you can go now...
You don´t know what an English word means (f.e. chart). What do you say?
a) What means chart?
b) What does chart mean?
c) Can I go now?
(I think, we often come to the point in life, where we´ve to ask WHERE AM I?)´
Yes, Susanne, you can go now...
Montag, 20. Oktober 2008
Verriegelt
Es ist, als hätte man den Himmel heut´geschlossen,
verriegelt alle Tore zur Glückseligkeit,
damit wir Suchende erst lernen,
was Unglück uns bedeuten kann.
Die Gunst uns oft Willkommen heißt,
ob wir ihr würdig oder nicht,
ein Lächeln dann erwärmt das Licht,
das wir längst aufgegeben haben.
Doch man alleine oft nicht merkt,
was Strahlen denn bedeutet,
da es auch nie erlischen wird,
das Licht der Seele, das uns nährt.
(wiederentdeckt in Uni-Unterlagen, 05.12.2007)
verriegelt alle Tore zur Glückseligkeit,
damit wir Suchende erst lernen,
was Unglück uns bedeuten kann.
Die Gunst uns oft Willkommen heißt,
ob wir ihr würdig oder nicht,
ein Lächeln dann erwärmt das Licht,
das wir längst aufgegeben haben.
Doch man alleine oft nicht merkt,
was Strahlen denn bedeutet,
da es auch nie erlischen wird,
das Licht der Seele, das uns nährt.
(wiederentdeckt in Uni-Unterlagen, 05.12.2007)
Freitag, 17. Oktober 2008
a.e.a.
A lo mejor no recibes todo lo que deseas,
por lo menos todo lo que mereces.
Y si recibires menos que mereces,
hay que abandonar el abandono.
*encontrado*
por lo menos todo lo que mereces.
Y si recibires menos que mereces,
hay que abandonar el abandono.
*encontrado*
Sonntag, 12. Oktober 2008
Eight months will make it pretty difficult
University is back. Hm, bulshit, I´m back there. In january, eight months ago, I´ve written an exam, one day before leaving Germany. That was the last time.
Eight months is a pretty long time. I forgot the opening hours of the central library, the locations, where to recharge my students-card, the room numbers at our faculty (it´d be four), the first name of my russian teacher. I even forgot to apply for courses at the faculty of political science, so I´ve applied for four different languages yesterday in order to get in only one. Btw if you don´t know me: I´m pretty changeable and get bored easily.
For now and today I´ll just move to our new appartment and probably have another wine with the girls there. And then wake up tomorrow and be an ordinary student.
Eight months is a pretty long time. I forgot the opening hours of the central library, the locations, where to recharge my students-card, the room numbers at our faculty (it´d be four), the first name of my russian teacher. I even forgot to apply for courses at the faculty of political science, so I´ve applied for four different languages yesterday in order to get in only one. Btw if you don´t know me: I´m pretty changeable and get bored easily.
For now and today I´ll just move to our new appartment and probably have another wine with the girls there. And then wake up tomorrow and be an ordinary student.
Samstag, 11. Oktober 2008
GER today
There was parents day at her* school. When leaving the building she wasn´t sure about what she saw: Two turkish mothers fighting against each other? Being busy with keeping their headscarf on the head they were scuffling.
The next day a girl came to her: "I won´t be able to do my homework over the weekend, I´ll be busy with praying." She answered: "I´m sure, you´ll find about one hour during three days." The girl: "No, I´ll sleep in the mosque."
Haider died tonight. Before it was in the news, our neighbour came and told us: "My friend Haider died this morning." Maybe I should find out about his political views.
I saw the dealer again. Apparently they set him free. He lived two years next to my parents home, when I was little and my friend and I, we found out about his activity, besides being cook. This week he was eating doner kebab on a bench, one minute away from my new appartment. I guess, he doesn´t want to kill me, ´cause I saw the small packages in every "visitors" hand, walking up and down our street?
Our former mayoress teaches at university now. I even will stand up at 7 o´clock to see this tiny blond lady in front of 500 students at the faculty of economics. And probably 300 out of 500 students are just curious, not that much interested in her course "eGovernment".
The next day a girl came to her: "I won´t be able to do my homework over the weekend, I´ll be busy with praying." She answered: "I´m sure, you´ll find about one hour during three days." The girl: "No, I´ll sleep in the mosque."
Haider died tonight. Before it was in the news, our neighbour came and told us: "My friend Haider died this morning." Maybe I should find out about his political views.
I saw the dealer again. Apparently they set him free. He lived two years next to my parents home, when I was little and my friend and I, we found out about his activity, besides being cook. This week he was eating doner kebab on a bench, one minute away from my new appartment. I guess, he doesn´t want to kill me, ´cause I saw the small packages in every "visitors" hand, walking up and down our street?
Our former mayoress teaches at university now. I even will stand up at 7 o´clock to see this tiny blond lady in front of 500 students at the faculty of economics. And probably 300 out of 500 students are just curious, not that much interested in her course "eGovernment".
Night, give me Moscow back!
Tonight Moscow´s comin´back:
http://www.44leningrad.net/
...Pleicher Hof, Würzburg, 22h
...three minutes from my new home. YEAH.
http://www.44leningrad.net/
...Pleicher Hof, Würzburg, 22h
...three minutes from my new home. YEAH.
Freitag, 10. Oktober 2008
big moments
She* finally came back from the hospital and we went for a walk. We´ve done that quite often over the years, but this time it was different. Autumn is coming and the important thing is to notice it. Although we grew up here, ten steps to the forest, five to the river, twenty to the fields, although she has lived here for 22 years and I´ve always come back, we still see it.
*our parents put us in different groups in kindergarten, as they were afraid of - being together 24/7 - our social life. By implication I stopped talking.
*our parents put us in different groups in kindergarten, as they were afraid of - being together 24/7 - our social life. By implication I stopped talking.
Donnerstag, 9. Oktober 2008
Strengthen the steps!
Builders and warriors, strengthen the steps.
Reader, if you have not grasped - read again,
after a while.
The predestined is not accidental,
The leaves fall in their time.
And winter is but the harbinger of spring.
All is revealed; all is attainable.
*Nicholas Roerich*
Reader, if you have not grasped - read again,
after a while.
The predestined is not accidental,
The leaves fall in their time.
And winter is but the harbinger of spring.
All is revealed; all is attainable.
*Nicholas Roerich*
Es ist als trüge ich ein Kind auf Schultern
Es ist als trüge ich ein Kind auf Schultern.
Durch Fluten vergangenen Lebens, durch hohe Wasser früherer Existenzen. Und da die Wellen höher werden, der Pegel steigt, so lasse ich ab vom sanften Halt, den ich dem Kind zu meinen Schultern durch unsere ineinander greifenden Hände gab und erfasse seine Fußgelenke. Die Angst, sie wächst und mein Griff wird härter. Das Kind beginnt sehr leise zu klagen, es jammert und weint, doch sein lautes Leid kann meine in mir ruhende Angst nicht vertreiben. Meine Umklammerung wird immer stärker, das Kind schlägt nun mit seinen Fersen gegen meine Brust, es schreit und tobt. Ich muss mich bemühen, dieser Kraft standzuhalten.
Während ich hin- und hergeschüttelt werde, stapfe ich weiter durch die Endlosigkeit der Fluten. Das Kind versteht nicht. Es kann nicht verstehen.
Und da passiert es. Meine Kräfte versagen. Zu lange hielt ich die dünnen Gelenke umklammert, Starrheit ergriff meine Finger. Nur einen Augenblick lang versagte meine Konzentration, doch als ich erneut hätte zufassen können, da war es bereits passiert: sein heftiges Toben hatte dem Kind bereitet, wonach es sich seit Minuten sehnte. Nein, vielmehr hatte es dem Kind genommen, wovon es sich befreien wollte: meine Kraft.
Ich spürte die plötzliche Erleichterung, meine Schultern richteten sich jubilierend auf in neu gewonnener Freiheit. Da trieb es, das Kind, langsam, doch unhaltbar, hinfort in den Fluten. Es selbst war erschrocken, dann sofort ängstlich. Wie ungerecht, dass es nicht mal für einen Moment sich befreit fühlte, meiner Gewalt entkommen.
Ich stand. Und sah es in der Ferne. Hilflos schreiend.
Da erfasste mich die nächste Welle, schlug mich gegen einen Felsen aus purem Stein. Mit zwinkernden Augen auftauchend erkannte ich, wie das Kind seine Seele aufgab und verschied, absinkend auf den Grund.
Schlimm war nicht sein Tod. Gekannt, geliebt und verloren war erträglicher als verloren, ohne gefühlt zu haben.
Das Schlimme war sein letzter Blick: seine Augen, die voll Wut und Zorn auf mich blickten. Da ich es nicht geschafft hatte, es trotz seiner infantilen Reaktion zu halten, auf meinen Schultern.
(Susanne, 2007. MFG)
Dienstag, 7. Oktober 2008
GER today
A man jumped in the river (Main, the river in Würzburg). He swam. Then he got out of the water, stepped on an island. Here he felt safe. But they catched him. Now he is in the madhouse.
He jumped in the river, ´cause he fled from devil.
He jumped in the river, ´cause he fled from devil.
Montag, 6. Oktober 2008
Dreams
Last night I dreamed I´d marry my Dad...
I really don´t know, what I should think about it.
(But one thing is clear: I´d rather live with my Dad until I die, than with that blond, fat and small 40year old guy from my dream the night before)
I really don´t know, what I should think about it.
(But one thing is clear: I´d rather live with my Dad until I die, than with that blond, fat and small 40year old guy from my dream the night before)
Sonntag, 5. Oktober 2008
Verlust
In der Theorie ist das Ganze so einfach:
Wir wissen erst, was wir hatten, wenn wir es verloren haben.
Und in der Praxis?
Da wachen wir irgendwann auf, wenn die Phase des "Kann-doch-nicht-wahr-sein" vorüber ist, und begreifen auf einmal, was wir verloren haben, weil es ganz plötzlich nicht mehr da ist. Hopps und weg.
Und am nächsten Tag? Wachen wir erneut auf, nachdem uns der Schlaf irgendwann aus diesen unrealistischen Zuständen befreit hatte, und merken, dass diese Zustände real sind. Denn wir haben verloren, was wir als selbstverständlich angesehen hatten. Und diesen Fehler werden wir hoffentlich nicht noch einmal begehen!...
Wir wissen erst, was wir hatten, wenn wir es verloren haben.
Und in der Praxis?
Da wachen wir irgendwann auf, wenn die Phase des "Kann-doch-nicht-wahr-sein" vorüber ist, und begreifen auf einmal, was wir verloren haben, weil es ganz plötzlich nicht mehr da ist. Hopps und weg.
Und am nächsten Tag? Wachen wir erneut auf, nachdem uns der Schlaf irgendwann aus diesen unrealistischen Zuständen befreit hatte, und merken, dass diese Zustände real sind. Denn wir haben verloren, was wir als selbstverständlich angesehen hatten. Und diesen Fehler werden wir hoffentlich nicht noch einmal begehen!...
Samstag, 4. Oktober 2008
GER today - Help save the world
It happened yesterday in a callbox in Cologne. A man spent six and a half hours there. He called the police and the fire department, 30 times. Then the police came and took him out of the callbox into prison, to sleep off his hangover. They were afraid, the man was blocking the emergency call.
Being asked about the reason of his calls he answered: "I just wanted to save the world!"
Being asked about the reason of his calls he answered: "I just wanted to save the world!"
Freitag, 3. Oktober 2008
"I´m from Bavaria, that´s near Germany"
For us from Franconia it´s very simple. He, our indian - franconian himself- had to go, ´cause he hasn´t been bavarian. I mean, he isn´t. We franconians are not bavarians.
I´ve had a course called "Regionalism" in my first year at university. Our lecturer was franconian. He loved to emphasize that and to draw a comparison. On the one hand Ireland and Great Britain/ Catalonia and Spain/ Quebec and Canada/ South Tyrol and Italy/... On the other hand: Franconia and Bavaria. Our room became a franconian hall of fame. Emblems, songs and scripts.
The whole thing is not about hating Bavaria. When you ask me, where I´m from in Germany, I say Bavaria, proudly. First of all a foreigner doesn´t know about Franconia, and secondly Bavaria is still the best state to live in, in our country. Well -of course-, it´s my home... And for some economic, lifestyle and level of education reasons. (by the way, if you´d separate Franconia from Bavaria, it wouldn´t be only a tiny state in Germany and in addition it´d be one of the most developed states)
If you see it from a foreigners, not affected point of view, it´s all about EGOISM and ARROGANCE. But it´s just important, to be proud, sometimes...
It´s a pity, that he went away... I just hope, he´ll come back to his home. I don´t like Nürnberg, but it´s franconian at least. So, my dear failed indian, welcome back!
I´ve had a course called "Regionalism" in my first year at university. Our lecturer was franconian. He loved to emphasize that and to draw a comparison. On the one hand Ireland and Great Britain/ Catalonia and Spain/ Quebec and Canada/ South Tyrol and Italy/... On the other hand: Franconia and Bavaria. Our room became a franconian hall of fame. Emblems, songs and scripts.
The whole thing is not about hating Bavaria. When you ask me, where I´m from in Germany, I say Bavaria, proudly. First of all a foreigner doesn´t know about Franconia, and secondly Bavaria is still the best state to live in, in our country. Well -of course-, it´s my home... And for some economic, lifestyle and level of education reasons. (by the way, if you´d separate Franconia from Bavaria, it wouldn´t be only a tiny state in Germany and in addition it´d be one of the most developed states)
If you see it from a foreigners, not affected point of view, it´s all about EGOISM and ARROGANCE. But it´s just important, to be proud, sometimes...
It´s a pity, that he went away... I just hope, he´ll come back to his home. I don´t like Nürnberg, but it´s franconian at least. So, my dear failed indian, welcome back!
Mittwoch, 1. Oktober 2008
know-it-all
"Aber für heute ist es viel zu spät, wie gestern zu sein
Und die Zeit rennt davon, wir müssen nur noch sagen
Goodbye..."
*frei und übersetzt nach P.C.*
Dienstag, 30. September 2008
know-it-all
Zukunft ist die Zeit, in der Du bereust,
dass Du das,
was Du heute tun kannst,
nicht getan hast.
dass Du das,
was Du heute tun kannst,
nicht getan hast.
Montag, 29. September 2008
junge junge
Habe eben einen kurzen Blick zurück geworfen:
http://www.getjealous.com/susannekk
Gott, unglaublich. Das ist erst so kurz her, und scheint doch schon völlig gelöscht.
Junge, those were good times. Moskau, Du fehlst mir. Nichts zu machen, rien ne va plus.
http://www.getjealous.com/susannekk
Gott, unglaublich. Das ist erst so kurz her, und scheint doch schon völlig gelöscht.
Junge, those were good times. Moskau, Du fehlst mir. Nichts zu machen, rien ne va plus.
know-it-all
Das zu bekommen, was man wirklich haben will,
will auch erstmal gelernt sein.
*anonymer Klugscheißer*
Sonntag, 28. September 2008
All that you want
To you, my Bavaria, as that day is a day of big changes.
Something will never change, remember that:
http://www1.spiegel.de/active/quiztool/fcgi/quiztool.fcgi?id=34843
Bavarias Ode to all things BEER
Something will never change, remember that:
http://www1.spiegel.de/active/quiztool/fcgi/quiztool.fcgi?id=34843
Bavarias Ode to all things BEER
Poor indian
The indian lost. Minus 19%.
He* says there are two reasons: firstly they´ve decided to abandon the TRANSRAPID project in Munich, secondly at the carnival party this year, he was wearing a lion dress.
And then, five minutes later, he adds: and third of all, it´s Hubers** fault.
*Every book I want to read, I give him at first. In his judgement I trust.
**He wanted to help the indian. But he didn´t. An era of 60 years ends today.
He* says there are two reasons: firstly they´ve decided to abandon the TRANSRAPID project in Munich, secondly at the carnival party this year, he was wearing a lion dress.
And then, five minutes later, he adds: and third of all, it´s Hubers** fault.
*Every book I want to read, I give him at first. In his judgement I trust.
**He wanted to help the indian. But he didn´t. An era of 60 years ends today.
Freitag, 26. September 2008
3 semanas
Tres semanas quedan hasta que la universidad empieza otra vez. Por un lado tengo muchas ganas de ir a mis cursos (...probablemente tengo 70% de mis cursos en alemán, entonces no miedo de no entender nada como en Moscú :p) y apprender. Por otro lado, pues, es mi último ano... no tengo ningún idea cómo sigue entonces. Además trabajo un montón de horas por el momento y desde mi tiempo en Vienna (era...junio), pero trabajar con la cabeza es otra cosa...
Para tener la cabeza libre hasta el 13 de octubre.... a lo mejor sería bueno ir a la peluquería.
Para tener la cabeza libre hasta el 13 de octubre.... a lo mejor sería bueno ir a la peluquería.
Donnerstag, 25. September 2008
About the french
A friend of mine* told me, that his french flatmate snores. Besides that, he has washed his clothes in the shower instead of using the washing machine. As our third flatmate is french as well, we plan to let each other know about strange things happening in our life; when I just think about our broken toilet...
One of my closest friends from Spain is french and she isn´t an exception: one day we met at her home, Aretha Franklin was yelling and we´ve been downstairs, drinking. Until dense smoke slowly entered the room...
*just a lovely one
One of my closest friends from Spain is french and she isn´t an exception: one day we met at her home, Aretha Franklin was yelling and we´ve been downstairs, drinking. Until dense smoke slowly entered the room...
*just a lovely one
Mittwoch, 24. September 2008
Zusammenleben
Das Wasser eben hat nach unsrer neuen Wohnung geschmeckt. Tatsächlich und erschreckend. Dann hat vorhin unser Vermieter angerufen, dass der Sperrmüll morgen früh kommt, um die zerschlagenen Schränke unseres Vormieters abzuholen. Und wieder musste ich an den Eimer voll schimmligen Tapetenkleisters denken, der immer noch neben all den Brettern vor unsrer Wohnungstür steht und inzwischen gehörig stinkt. Aber vielleicht hat sie* ihn auch entsorgt; aber woher sollte eine Ausländerin wissen, wohin man diese schleimige, stinkende Pampe bringt, wenn nicht mal ich als Deutsche mich mit solchen Sondermüllaktionen auskenne?
*she´s not german. but trying to find out, what it´s like to live here.
*she´s not german. but trying to find out, what it´s like to live here.
Montag, 22. September 2008
know-it-all
big moments
Today I stood in the rain. While everyone was happy to reach a place under the roof, I didn´t claim to stay dry. I was listening to music, as I´ve finally loaded your music on the player again. It was raining without respite. The guy sitting in another bus was looking at me, as I was smiling. I swept my wet hair.
Sonntag, 21. September 2008
GER today
There was a note for russian parents: „Уваҗаемые родители, провоҗайте, поҗалуйста, своих детей только до входной двери школы“, a note for turkish parents: "..." and yes, one for Germans: "Liebe Eltern..." and there was a fourth note: "Mama lernt Deutsch. Donnerstag 20h" (Mummy learns german. Thursdays 8pm)
I entered confused the front door. Was it possible, that what you see in television is reality? I mean, that, what you see, is even more reality than the reality of television? The first person I met in the building was a teacher for those children, having an attention deficit or any kind of learning disability. (...didn´t exist, when I went to school, neither the teacher nor the disabilities) She had blond curls and we didn´t find each other likeable. She couldn´t handle my black hoody, or rather the far pulled hood and I was diverted by her mazy hair. I managed the stairs without any anomalies, passed by clamps (I haven´t seen that many non-german names in a german school before) (...times are a-changing: in my class there was a Manuel, a Elisabeth and a Michael. today there´s a Hilal, a Taifun (engl: typhoon) and a Syhejda) and arrived in her* classroom.
To cut a long story short: she has got 27 pupils, one girl is... one girl is "originally" german. ONE. Her name is Angel-Anne. ANGEL-ANNE! (yes, english pronunciation) Over 50% is islamic. Three girls avoid eating and drinking during Ramadan until sunset; they´re nine years old and actually those rules are invalid for children (one of them is not willing to participate in swimming, as it might happen, that she swallows water accidentally) In the building there are several notes with a quotation of our secretary of education "Television makes dumb, fat and lonely". Obviously the kids don´t agree: Being asked about, what makes him happy, writes a boy: television, nintendo and my i-pod. (I-pods didn´t exist, Nintendo I didn´t know and television I was allowed to watch half an hour every evening)
* teacher is her dream job, but in order to miss a retraining in swimming lesson she thinks of inventing a funeral
Samstag, 20. September 2008
know-it-all
Los principios están bien hasta un cierto punto, pero los principios no valen nada si pierdes.
*Richard Bruce Dick Cheney*
*Richard Bruce Dick Cheney*
Freitag, 19. September 2008
In case we´ll once meet
I think I´m used to be quite polite, well, this kind of politeness, that´s normal. e.g. I don´t mind to smile, when I´ve destroying thoughts, I don´t care to do smalltalk, when I´m in a hurry and I once enjoyed leading three chinese girls half an hour through my city to find the right bus stop, although I´ve had an appointment with my boss. (Okay, towards my boss that wasn´t very polite, I see)
And my aggressiveness, I´m sometimes talking about, is usually based on politicians, who see no problem in roofers working until 70 or when free market economy means shakeout, shakeout, shakeout.
There´s just one question - ONE - I´m going to hate until I die (from it). The reason is less, that I struggle for words, when trying to reply, but that I just don´t understand the boundedness of my counterpart. I remember the situation, sitting around a table with about 15 friends of mine on the eve, when I got back to Germany after my months in Spain. There it was. I remember it, when I got back from Munich, back from Berlin, back from Vienna (where I had been not just for a visit or vacations). And I remember, that lately I met a friend in front of a supermarket asking me, after four months in Moscow.
I hate it. It´s definitely and for every time a NO GO, when you meet me, so remember:
PLEASE DON`T ASK ME: HOW WAS IT???
And my aggressiveness, I´m sometimes talking about, is usually based on politicians, who see no problem in roofers working until 70 or when free market economy means shakeout, shakeout, shakeout.
There´s just one question - ONE - I´m going to hate until I die (from it). The reason is less, that I struggle for words, when trying to reply, but that I just don´t understand the boundedness of my counterpart. I remember the situation, sitting around a table with about 15 friends of mine on the eve, when I got back to Germany after my months in Spain. There it was. I remember it, when I got back from Munich, back from Berlin, back from Vienna (where I had been not just for a visit or vacations). And I remember, that lately I met a friend in front of a supermarket asking me, after four months in Moscow.
I hate it. It´s definitely and for every time a NO GO, when you meet me, so remember:
PLEASE DON`T ASK ME: HOW WAS IT???
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Dear friend,
yesterday I couldn´t find the right ingredients for the special "Susan-has-to-make-dinner-and-as-we´ve-had-pasta-yesterday-we-have-to-think-about-something-else-today" - rice, that´s why I chose that mix of vegetables in the first row: aubergines, pepper and olives. To be only a bit creative, I cut some tomatoes from our garden.
As he* came home - not hasn´t eaten anything for 10 hours - I was ready. "Oh you tried something new", he said, having a look in the pan. And then, after trying: "It´s like eating pizza. If you wouldn´t see the rice, you´d think it´s a hacked pizza." And after two minutes: "God, it´s hot. Why did you put chilli peppers?"
Damn, who missed to write the right ingredients of my wonder-mix???
* one of the closest and at the same time most unknown persons of my surroundings
yesterday I couldn´t find the right ingredients for the special "Susan-has-to-make-dinner-and-as-we´ve-had-pasta-yesterday-we-have-to-think-about-something-else-today" - rice, that´s why I chose that mix of vegetables in the first row: aubergines, pepper and olives. To be only a bit creative, I cut some tomatoes from our garden.
As he* came home - not hasn´t eaten anything for 10 hours - I was ready. "Oh you tried something new", he said, having a look in the pan. And then, after trying: "It´s like eating pizza. If you wouldn´t see the rice, you´d think it´s a hacked pizza." And after two minutes: "God, it´s hot. Why did you put chilli peppers?"
Damn, who missed to write the right ingredients of my wonder-mix???
* one of the closest and at the same time most unknown persons of my surroundings
Donnerstag, 18. September 2008
Mittwoch, 17. September 2008
The indian solution
At home we call him very simple the indian, just because he was dressed like an indian at a carnival party, assigned by television. Besides that he is the quasi-prime minister of Bavaria. And... he´s a funny guy.
Yesterday he said, there´s no problem in drinking two Maß (that´s four bottles) and driving afterwards. It´s not an issue for me to drink and drive at all, but if I´d drink four bottles of beer, I wouldn´t walk straight, I wouldn´t speak clearly and...god, I wouldn´t drive.
Don´t get me wrong, Moscow has probably made an alcoholic of me (who else would ever drink every day of an entire month something alcoholic?), so I´m not the first to fall from the bench, when I´ve drunk.
At the Oktoberfest last year I drank exactly, what Mr. Beckstein declared, and I was quite alone with that amount. That´s why he may have acted the "correct" way... at least when you look forward to the elections, that will decide in less than two weeks about his future. Cheers, my indian!
What´s left to say (addition 19.09.08): Stefan Raab, a german joker, wanted to make the indian test and directed a student (a guy from the audience of his show) to drink two Maß; afterwards he was supposed to do a field sobriety test. Unfortunately the test went down the drain: after one Maß the guy threw up.
Yesterday he said, there´s no problem in drinking two Maß (that´s four bottles) and driving afterwards. It´s not an issue for me to drink and drive at all, but if I´d drink four bottles of beer, I wouldn´t walk straight, I wouldn´t speak clearly and...god, I wouldn´t drive.
Don´t get me wrong, Moscow has probably made an alcoholic of me (who else would ever drink every day of an entire month something alcoholic?), so I´m not the first to fall from the bench, when I´ve drunk.
At the Oktoberfest last year I drank exactly, what Mr. Beckstein declared, and I was quite alone with that amount. That´s why he may have acted the "correct" way... at least when you look forward to the elections, that will decide in less than two weeks about his future. Cheers, my indian!
What´s left to say (addition 19.09.08): Stefan Raab, a german joker, wanted to make the indian test and directed a student (a guy from the audience of his show) to drink two Maß; afterwards he was supposed to do a field sobriety test. Unfortunately the test went down the drain: after one Maß the guy threw up.
Dienstag, 16. September 2008
An die Freude
Freude, schöner Götterfunken,
Tochter aus Elysium,
Wir betreten feuertrunken,
Himmlische, dein Heiligtum.
Deine Zauber binden wieder,
Was die Mode streng geteilt,
Alle Menschen werden Brüder,
Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.
Seid umschlungen, Millionen!
Diesen Kuß der ganzen Welt!
Brüder - überm Sternenzelt
Muß ein lieber Vater wohnen.
*Friedrich von Schiller*
Tochter aus Elysium,
Wir betreten feuertrunken,
Himmlische, dein Heiligtum.
Deine Zauber binden wieder,
Was die Mode streng geteilt,
Alle Menschen werden Brüder,
Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.
Seid umschlungen, Millionen!
Diesen Kuß der ganzen Welt!
Brüder - überm Sternenzelt
Muß ein lieber Vater wohnen.
*Friedrich von Schiller*
Montag, 15. September 2008
Saved as abstract
My dear life,
it´s me again. Today while driving too fast and thinking about the advantages of a potential speedlimit in Germany and disadvantages... I decided to give my thoughts a new chance. A new speed, so a new place. Maybe ´cause my friend* answered with three laughing smilies on MSN (:D :D :D), when I told her, I was talking to you (or probably to someone else), at night, loudly.
So it´s first of all a solution for my sister, who would find out sooner or later about that night-activity -I should mention, that I can´t stand peoples attitude talking to themselves, and she´s quite good at it. Yes, I don´t grant her that joy. By the way, talking to yourself in your mothertongue is one thing, talking in english to "nobody" another one.
So far, as you know, I´ve enjoyed -besides talking- writing mails to a wrong receiver, as I was afraid of sending them once accidentally. Saved as abstract made me glad, even if I knew nobody would read it. Today I decided to share my thoughts with more people than in fact nobody. The folder "abstracts" is going to bust my account, here we go...
I´m not unapologetic about the fact, that there is not really need to talk about me... But yeah, just about you. And when I think about it, that´s apparently a good reason to start this blog.
So it´s easy to return to the roots, to you, my dear.
So, life, take care!
* the one who is permanently afraid of being pregnant
it´s me again. Today while driving too fast and thinking about the advantages of a potential speedlimit in Germany and disadvantages... I decided to give my thoughts a new chance. A new speed, so a new place. Maybe ´cause my friend* answered with three laughing smilies on MSN (:D :D :D), when I told her, I was talking to you (or probably to someone else), at night, loudly.
So it´s first of all a solution for my sister, who would find out sooner or later about that night-activity -I should mention, that I can´t stand peoples attitude talking to themselves, and she´s quite good at it. Yes, I don´t grant her that joy. By the way, talking to yourself in your mothertongue is one thing, talking in english to "nobody" another one.
So far, as you know, I´ve enjoyed -besides talking- writing mails to a wrong receiver, as I was afraid of sending them once accidentally. Saved as abstract made me glad, even if I knew nobody would read it. Today I decided to share my thoughts with more people than in fact nobody. The folder "abstracts" is going to bust my account, here we go...
I´m not unapologetic about the fact, that there is not really need to talk about me... But yeah, just about you. And when I think about it, that´s apparently a good reason to start this blog.
So it´s easy to return to the roots, to you, my dear.
So, life, take care!
* the one who is permanently afraid of being pregnant
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